3/15/10

Trials

One of my best friends reminded me that sharing our trials lightens our load and often helps others, so I guess I'll share. It's been a rough couple of months around here. Thankfully life is returning to normal, whatever that may be.

A few days before the girls' surgery I started wondering if I was pregnant. A few days after, there was no question. While helping the girls recover was taxing, it was especially hard because I was obviously EXHAUSTED, but also very stressed out. Deciding when and whether or not to have a third child has been a difficult decision, and being pregnant was terrifying.

However, it didn't take long for me to realize that things didn't feel right. For those of you who don't know, before we were blessed with Emma, I miscarried twice (at 6 and 9 weeks). With both of those pregnancies, I was tired, but felt fine. With the girls, I quickly developed nausea and was grateful for it. It meant everything was fine. I kept telling Nick I was sure it was just a matter of days until I miscarried, but everything appeared to be all right. Around 7 weeks I spotted a bit. Although I was sure the pregnancy was over, the bleeding stopped for a few days. Then a little more. Then nothing for a few days. I know that's normal for many pregnancies, so I toughed it out. Besides, if I was miscarrying, there's really nothing they could do anyway.

Nick had to leave for work for the week, and since nothing more had happened and I had a doctor's appointment at the end of the week, I sent him off. Tuesday, just after my doctor's office closed, I had some pretty heavy bleeding that of course stopped. The next morning I called the office and went in for some blood work. Thursday they called with the results to tell me my hormone levels were normal for how far along I was, so they had me come in for an ultrasound. My wonderful mother came to go with me. I was sure there wouldn't be a baby. That had been the case with my second miscarriage. Well, there was. But I've seen enough ultrasounds by now that I recognized right away that there wasn't a heartbeat. I was nearly 8 1/2 weeks along. The baby lived to be 7 weeks, 6 days.

By the next week, I was rather a wreck. It was good to get Nick home to help with the girls, but I didn't know what to do. Should I cancel my classes, should I send the girls somewhere, or should I pretend that everything was normal (I did the third). I hadn't fully miscarried on my own yet, so we finally set up a D&C for Wednesday. While that wasn't fun, I am grateful that it was over. It could have lasted for a couple more weeks, and emotionally, I was spent.

This is what I've learned.
  1. I've been through this three times, but it doesn't really get easier. Although I never let myself get emotionally attached this time, I still hoped and dreamed. I have two sisters expecting this summer. It would have been miserably fun to be pregnant together and to have small babies together and to watch them grow together. Don't get me wrong. I couldn't be happier for them and look forward to seeing my nephew(s?). It just would have been fun. And my girls love babies. They would have loved that baby. Lastly, I miss having a baby around. My Ashlyn is getting so big and fun and well, big. There's just something about a baby.
  2. I am blessed with incredible friends and family. The Lord may give us trials, but he does not expect us to go through them alone.
  3. Hormones are crappy. I have had good days and some horrible nights. Being tired is not good for me. I've cried more in the last few weeks than in the last few years. I'm glad Nick tries to understand and loves me through my craziness. Luckily I'm becoming more stable.
  4. I'm terrified. I'm pretty sure I still want another child, but I don't want to go through this again. There's never a guarantee that things will be fine, but three? I don't want there to be a fourth.
  5. I trust in my Savior. His view is far broader than mine. I just look forward to understanding more clearly why I felt so strongly that now was the time. There are countless possibilities and several theories. All I know is that I trust him and he loves me. Things will be okay.
If you've read all this, thank you. I really am doing better. It's sad and hard, but I can think of many worse trials. This happens to be mine. Now it's time to look ahead. We have some fun trips coming up. We're heading to Disneyland with friends in a few weeks, and then Nick and I are going to Mexico for a few days in May. I'm longing for the sunshine. Here's to the happy days ahead.

12 comments:

Jen said...

Oh Tonya... I am so sorry! My heart is hurting for you. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I am glad that you have some fun and SUN to look forward to!

Sarah R said...

Tonya, my heart goes out to you. I've never had a miscarriage, so I can't imagine the pain you've gone through. You are such a strong woman. I love you and I'm so proud to call you my friend! Have fun on your upcoming trips!

Sarah B. said...

Tonya,

Some comments from me.

1. I love you. I am constantly amazed by your sweetness and strength. Strength comes in many forms - smiling is one, and letting go and crying is another. Both options are worthy to be called strengths.
2. I have had trials in my life, very different than yours, and I admire and strive to become more like you in your outlook and your growth.
3. You are allowed to be terrified. I can't imagine the feeling, but it brings me to number four...
4. You are right to trust in your Savior. You are allowed to be terrified, but you are also allowed to be comforted by friends, family, and our wonderful Father in heaven.
5. Hormones ARE totally crappy. :-)

Again, I love you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Enjoy your trips and your sunshine.

Sabrina said...

I had no idea. I am so sorry. You are in our prayers.

Trish said...

Tonya,
I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. Thank you for sharing too. I do think it helps. I find it easier to talk and blog about the trials I "asked for". Specifically, the four kids, but I am so grateful for posts like this that help me to know that everyone has challenges and I am not alone in the "unseen" trials. I hope your trips are great and provide a nice little break!

jmw said...

...some tears for you... I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you for letting us in to your world a little more and for sharing, so that we can know you better, love you more, and be strengthened by your strength and inpsiring example. I am reminded that many of us are being tried to our absolute limits, and that we often don't know what someone else is going through unless they are able to tell us. You have uplifted me with your believing spirit. <3

April said...

I wish I could have done more for you. I hate miscarriages and the emotions that follow. You always will have an understanding ear or shoulder which ever you need. I love you and your family so much. I hope your trips fun!!

Anonymous said...

Tonya, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. We will keep you in our prayers.

Hamblin Family said...

Sorry to hear Tonya. We wish your family love and happiness.

Amber said...

There have been lots of tears for you around here. Just know I love you and care about you and dang it, I wish I could do more for you. One of the best things that ever happened to us was having you move in down the street! Oh, and by the way, I'm a crier too! Hormones are ridiculous!

Monica said...

You make me stronger through your words Tonya. I hope and pray with all my heart that your dreams of having a third baby come true. Just remember that if we can make it through this life with our focus on the Savior, we will be blessed with more than we could even begin to dream of. This thought often helps me through those rough nights. :)

Em said...

Tonya,
I happened across your blog through Trish's and came across this post. I share many of the same feelings you have expressed, as I have recently gone through two miscarriages, and around the same gestation. Nothing I say can take away the hurt and pain that comes with losing a baby whether in utero or not. But one thing that I have found comfort in through my miscarriages is to know that all of my pain and suffering will be restored to me in the next life as long as I live worthy. The could of been and should have been are always there and I don't think they ever go away the pain is always there I think it is just more tolerable as time goes on and the experience isn't so fresh. I also know that the more miscarriages you have doesn't mean it gets easier, if anything harder. I know that my father in Heaven knows that I yern to have another baby and that when it is my time he will bless me with one, but the wait is never easy, when your disire is so strong. Also the fear and almost terror you describe in each new pregnancy, I understand as well. I don't know if you have looked into why it might be happening, and maybe you don't want to, and I hope I do not over step but with me I am one who needs answers. After my second I began looking things up because both miscarriages happened around the same gestation although the second I was almost into my 2nd tri. the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. Turns out in some people who have low progestrone tend to miscarry around this gestation. It might be worth looking up.