Sometimes we learn the hard way to be grateful for what we have. This past week has been another one of those times.
Most of you who read this blog didn't know that I was pregnant again. This time I was a bit nauseous even and felt overall lousy. I was EXHAUSTED beyond belief and generally felt that things were fine, that is until a week ago last Monday. When overnight I was no longer ravenous and didn't feel icky if I didn't eat, I got worried. I had made it to 10 1/2 weeks, but that's rather early to feel better. When Tuesday appeared to be the same, I began to panic. I tried really hard not to, but I've done this too many times and couldn't help it. I had mini breakdowns all morning. If I hadn't been teaching, I would have been a complete wreak. Sometimes distraction is the best medicine. Between classes I called and set up an appointment to check for a heartbeat. I arranged for the girls to go to a friend's house and after my afternoon class, I headed to my doctor's office.
When I got there, they took me right back. In fact, Nick was meeting me there and wasn't able to be there for the first while. The nurse was certain she would find a heart beat. She tried so hard. As my heart sank, I was able to keep it together. There was still a slight possibility. When the second head nurse tried and couldn't find one, I pretty well knew. Fortunately their ultrasound tech was there for the day, so I went into the waiting room to wait my turn. While I was there, Nick showed up. He had been very supportive and understanding about my nervousness, but he figured everything would be fine. When I told him they couldn't find a heartbeat, he let me just melt into him. I'm so grateful for a loving, supportive husband.
Not long after we went back for the ultrasound. I do have a bit of experience by now, so even I could tell right off that things weren't right. Last spring there had at least been a recognizable baby. This time the pregnancy looked more like a mass. Clearly there wasn't a heartbeat.
We met with the doctor soon after to discuss our options. Where I hadn't even started spotting or cramping yet, I knew that just going naturally would likely take a long time. I know I don't handle that well. I also really didn't like the idea of taking the medication and hoping that it worked. If I wasn't getting a baby, I wanted to be done. We certainly met our deductible this year, so we scheduled a D&C for Thursday morning.
I won't lie and say this go around has been easy. It has been easier in ways but also more terrifying in others. Last February I emotionally fell apart. The worry and not knowing seemed to last forever. I can cope better when I know what is going on and what to expect. Physically I am doing all right. This go around, emotionally I have my moments. I kind of have to block off my thinking. I long to hold a little one again that is mine. But I can't think about it. Now we're considering our options.
Where I have now miscarried four times, my case becomes more serious and testing is a definite option. There are three main tests they can do. First, they can X-ray my uterus to make sure it is shaped correctly. However, since I have had two healthy babies, this one is less likely to be an issue. Second, they can do blood work. There are possible treatable issues there. Third, they can test chromosomes of both me and Nick. Likely this is the issue. However, if so, there is nothing that can be done with the information save having it. Although I did ask and the doctor said that we are at a higher risk for having a baby go full term with severe problems. Those are big issues to weigh. I'm grateful I don't have to make any decisions today.
Back to gratitude. Right now I have two perfect, beautiful, happy little girls sleeping in their big girl bunk bed. They are busy, rather loud, and full of life. And I'm beginning to realize that they are my miracles. The more I think about it, the more my heart fills with gratitude to have them in my life. As much as I miss the little lives I dreamed about bringing into the world that won't be in this life, I am full of love for my girls. I love them more than I can express. They make life worth living. This loss has taught me that more than anything else could. I am so far from the perfect mom. There's so much more I want to do with them each day. But I know they know I love them. Some day I'll get to explain to them just how special they are; for now I'll do my best to treat them as such.
I've had several people express how well I appear to be doing. I am doing all right. I am heartbroken, but while I have my moments, I know they won't get me anywhere. More importantly though, I have certainly felt the power of the spirit very strongly this week. I know our names were in the temple and that multiple prayers have been said in our behalf. I am so grateful. It has certainly made and makes a difference. I continue to feel that I am not alone. I know my Savior loves me and has a plan for me and my little family. Some day we'll understand why things are the way they are, but for now, I continue to trust him.
